Saturday, August 25, 2012

“Kissing a man with a beard is a lot like going to a picnic. You don't mind going through a little bush to get there!”-Minnie Pearl

After watching the Morgan Spurlock documentary Mansome, it got me thinking about my stance on manscaping.

I appreciate manscaping, to a certain extent.

I like beards. I like mustaches. I like scruffy, stubbly man faces.

I do not like waxed (or mainly over-waxed) eyebrows. I do not like completely waxed bodies.

You're a man for a reason. Enjoy it. Don't over think your appearance. Don't spend hours "grooming", only to be mistaken for a woman. Embrace the rugged.

I do not like the word "metrosexual".It tends to have a negative connotation. And,  I do not think men should spend that much time and money on their appearance. And, if you feel differently, each their own. Unfortunately, it's just not for me. *side note: I don't feel a woman should put that much time, or money into her appearance either. Let your true self be exposed. When you take off your makeup and hairspray, there shouldn't be a completely different person left behind.*

I can appreciate when a man makes an effort to look good. I also believe that this can be achieved by simply brushing your hair, or putting on some nice pants. It doesn't take hairspray, wax, and a false tan to achieve this. From a female perspective, it's nice to know that a man will put some effort into impressing you. But, again, it's the simple things.

I happen to enjoy the feel of a scruffy beard under my fingers as I rub my hand on a man's face. For some reason, this excites me. I like manly men. Men who wear flannel shirts, and can build things always stood out to me. I tend to relate this to security, comfort, and the feeling of knowing I'm safe. I also find it disheartening   that this kind of man seems to be endangered.

Young boys today are only concerned with skinny jeans, gold chains, and their hair. I feel for the women of the future. If anything, I suppose this will help with independence, but you'll never know you missed out on a strong burly man. Sad.

Friday, September 9, 2011

"Well, when it comes down to me against a situation, I don't like the situation to win." - MacGyver

I have done quite a few "crazy", some would even say "desperate", things in my life. Depending how you feel about this, I may have just hit a brand new low.

I would like to preface this story by saying: I am very resourceful in most, if not all, situations. If I don't have important, "needed" items for my circumstances, I will work with what I do have. I have turned two knives and a bread tie into a spoon in order to eat a frosty. I have used paper clips and pencils to keep sweaty hair out of my face. Basically, in a sticky situation I like to channel my idol, Mr. MacGyver. As a child, I was an avid watcher of the show, constantly taking notes of any handmade items that I may need one day. A bomb made of bubblegum and paper clips? Yeah, that's a definite. Wooden coffin turned into a jet ski? Who wouldn't need that?! I consider myself a smart kid for taking mental notes of what I would need to concoct if shit ever got real.

That day has visited me numerous times. I like to think it's Mr. MacGyver's way of testing me. Can this chick do what I did? Hell yes she can! Does She have the same skill and awesomeness? You bet your ass she does! That brings me to present day. Desperate times, call for desperate measure...seriously.

While trolling one of our favorite bookstore, I had to use the restroom. This is not unheard of. People have bladders, and they need to be emptied frequently, so what? I made my way to the bathroom and noticed a woman coming out of the bathroom I was about to walk in. (Side note: there are two bathrooms in this particular bookstore, both are single stalled rooms). I am not a fan of using a restroom directly after someone, due to sanitary, and smell purposes. I thought, "maybe I can just go in, I really have to pee." After taking one step in, I immediately backed out, thought "no way.", and made my way to the next bathroom. After sitting down to re leave myself, I noticed there was no toilet paper. No problem, I'll use paper towels. *Looks at the wall where an "air dryer" is curiously taking the place of a paper towel dispenser* "Noooooo!" I also have a rule against being a female and "air drying" your lady bits. No Me Gusta! It is unsanitary, and I will not do it.

At this point, I've realized that I'm just about out of options, besides the one lonely strand on TP that is so tauntingly laying across the floor. For a second (seriously, a second), I consider picking that diseased piece of vileness off the ground and using it. Then, I quickly came to my senses and realized In a situation like this, I'd rather "air dry" then get the herp from some random bathroom TP. Then I thought, "What would my uncle MacGyver" do in this situation? (Yeah, I liked to think of him as my cool uncle Gyv, who visited on the holidays, so what?) And, after realizing he'd "shake it twice, and walk freely", I looked down and said "Well,   good thing I'm not too fond of these underwear."

It was like MacGyver himself had rest his hand on my shoulder and instructed me in what I needed  to do. After shooing the perv out of the bathroom I got to work. I decided I didn't want to physically take my pants off in fear of making pant to floor, or foot to floor contact. (Plus, I like to make my life as difficult as possible). So, the only thing to do would be to rip them bad boys off! *Dear "fruit of the loom", thank you for making you lace/cotton combo undies slightly defective. I'm pretty sure the lace isn't supposed to rip that easily from the cotton, but since I discovered this in this particular situation..I am grateful.*

I started ripping my underwear, like  I had never ripped before. The lace came off easily, but once it got to the cotton, it got stuck. I did not want this situation to defeat me, so I trucked on. Desperate, I used my teeth to bite the side. *rip* VICTORY! One leg had now been freed from my cotton prison. In between rips I couldn't help but laugh. This was the most ridiculous situation I had ever put myself in. And to think, if anyone had been outside listening, I'm sure the police would have been summoned. I made it to my final obstacle, the crotch. I am not that desperate. I removed my other pant leg, removed my underwear, cleaned myself, tossed them in the trash, washed my hands and headed out the door hailing at my accomplishment. On the way back to excitedly tell my boyfriend of what had just happened, I was overcome by a laughing fit. All I could think of was the poor kid who had to empty the trash that night making the gruesome discovery of the shredded panties thinking "Dear god, who got raped in here?!".

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

"You can't get a cup of tea big enough or a book long enough to suit me." C. S. Lewis

I have an obsession. I am addicted to audio books.

People tend to find this humorous. It's almost as if I am held in a different category from your typical "book worms". I don't see why. This addiction doesn't make me any less intelligent than your average book reader. I enjoy books as well, it's just the convenience of audio books that is so appealing to me. I can listen to them while driving (try doing that while reading a book..dead!). I can listen to them at work while multi-tasking. And, I can enjoy them while doing other equally important tasks around the house, such as cleaning, or knitting, or even making a cup of tea.

Listening to audio books is a proud hobby of mine. I am not embarrassed to say that this is what occupies a lot of my time. In some ways, I feel listening to books is a better experience than reading them. By listening to books, you get to hear someone tell you a fantastic story. The way it's narrated makes the book that much more enjoyable. You can get lost easier in the story. You also get to hear it the way the author intended you to. When reading a book, you're left to your own interpretation (which could be more appealing to some), but when you're listening to it, it's hard to turn it into something else.

I also feel a stronger sense of connection to the characters, and the book itself when I listen to the audio book. Because I'm listening to it, it tends to take me longer to finish the book, usually because it's listened to during car rides, or during work tasks. You spend a longer time with the characters, you feel like you're part of the story. It makes it harder for me when the story is over. I want it to continue. I want there to be more for me to enjoy. It's almost like being in a serious relationship that has just ended. You know your time together is over, but you're not ready to walk away from it. You want more out of it.

Most people compare audio books to movies. The picture (or sound) is set for you. All you have to do is watch, but that's not completely true. You get a small picture from what you hear, but you still have to let your imagination do the work. You're told what the images are, but your brain has to put them together. The visual outcome is what you make of it. I love the challenge it gives me, especially depending on what genre I'm listening to. (Sci-fi is great for this!)

Audio biographies are some of my favorites. I love hearing stories of other people's lives. Famous, or not, everyone has interesting stories to tell, and I want to hear them all. What's better than listening to the biography of someone you admire, while they narrate it?

I am in love with audio books, and I encourage everyone to give them a chance. It does not make you less intelligent for  listening to them. If anything, it builds character, How? Well, it just does.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

"Gentleman: A man who buys two of the same morning paper from the doorman of his favorite nightclub when he leaves with his girl."-Marlene Dietrich

This is by far the best website I have found in quite some time. It's based on "Rules of a Gentleman", but let's be honest, everyone can benefit from it. There are way too many awesome ones to just choose one or two favorites, but #43 is definitely high up there on the list as well as #15, #8, and of course #4 (Hello! Magnum P.I!). I feel these rules should be printed out and obligatorily given to men everywhere (and a few ladies too.) Also, there are only 44 rules total, so abiding by them isn't completely impractical.

Rules of a Gentleman

Monday, April 18, 2011

"If you're going through hell, keep going."- Winston Churchill

This is my own personal hell. It will be updated as needed..

Anyone who is over opinionated, and doesn't want to hear yours
Circle I Limbo
People who get angry at you because you don't know spanish
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow
WIC/Food stamps
Circle IV Rolling Weights
General asshats
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled
River Styx
Justin Beiber
Circle VI Buried for Eternity
River Phlegyas
Being stuck in a room with people who chew with their mouth open (like noisy cows!)
Circle VII Burning Sands
Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement
Screaming troll babies
Circle IX Frozen in Ice
Design your own hell

Saturday, February 12, 2011

“I don't even know what I was thinking. Obviously I wasn't in my right mind.”-S.V.G

Often times people say "Listen to what just happened to me. You're not going to believe this...". Then, after a 20 minute rant about something you're not really sure of because, to be honest you stopped listening after 5 minutes, you realize you were just let down and wasted 20 minutes of your life that you'll never get back.

Well, this is not one of those stories....

What do you do when the Old Orlando Magic Arena (The Amway Center) is preparing to gut, and auction off it's innards? you go take the scenic tour of course! So, that's what I did. We were able to freely troll the arena, and scout out all the cool stuff they were going to auction off. This included touring places most civilians are never allowed to go, i.e, the player's locker room! I was able to stand in the shower where some of my favorite players had washed their sweaty, naked bodies *insert little girl squeal*. We played around in the physical therapy room, and we even saw the coaches old lockers! Most importantly, we went into Stan Van Gundy's old office. His massive chair was sitting there taunting me. It called to me in ways I have never been called to. I knew what I what I HAD to do. I had to sit in it. I think in a way I was hoping I'd feel his power if I did. Well, I felt the power, but it didn't come to me in the way I thought it would. As I went to sit down in the massive cushioned throne, it went out from underneath me and I fell straight to the ground. My loving man tried to help me up, but I fell I needed to absorb this amazing moment. How many people can say they fell in a major head coach's office? Not many people. But, you know who can? This guy right here! Lucky for me, there is photographic proof to back me up on my now most favorite story ever to tell!

I guess it will never be in my cards to be the head coach of an almost championship winning basketball team. Thanks Jesus for letting me down the easy way..well, minus the bruise on my butt..but it's appreciated regardless.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

"There is one dream where in my dream, I'm Spider Man. But I'm losing my powers. I'm climbing a wall but I keep falling."

Times have gotten so hard for Spiderman that he has reduced himself to taking odd jobs for an extra dollar. One day you're saving babies from a burning building, then next thing you know, you've become a table leg making $3.75 an hour just to buy some crack from Magneto behind the dumpster...Who rescues the hero when he needs saving?

"What's that smell??"..."Freedom."

While patrolling the isles of Publix, I noticed something both disturbing, and thought evoking...Adult Diapers. But, it wasn't just the fact that people have to wear over sized Pampers that got my gears turning., it was the marketing that Publix decided to showcase on the packaging. The "scenarios" where you would possibly have to wear one of these absorbent pillows is just ridiculous. I'm pretty sure when the "Higher Powers" that are Publix marketing decided on what the packaging should display, they completely forgot they were trying to sell adult diapers. In my opinion, the images make me think of vitamins, or some kind of supplement. Then again, maybe these magical diapers not only save you from messing your shorts, but make you feel like a spry young lad. Either way, it will not distract you from the fact that your bottom will now be encased in urine, or some other questionable bodily fluid. Good luck hitting those numbers Publix.
So, you have time to stop and take a scenery break, but you don't have time to run behind the tree and pee?

 You're camping! Aren't the woods supposed to be Nature's bathroom?? Now, you have to use your stealthiness to dispose of a dirty diaper like you're hiding a dead body. At least we know why you're camping alone...
I get it, you're in a rush to catch your flight, so instead of walking 2 feet to one of the hundreds of bathrooms located at the airport, you're using your 2 hour delay to relax in your comfy chair while urinating on yourself. What makes for a worse flight, sitting in front of a toddler, or sitting next to a grown man in a dirty diaper?

Ok, 1) at least this is the first correct age bracket they've advertised for. 2) On a golf course, I imagine there aren't many options for releasing your fluids, and at that age, you do what you've got to do. 3) Touche Publix..touche.

No one takes painting that seriously that you can't take a 2 minute break to use the restroom. Seriously.

Is your wooden duck that important that you're willing to defile your own pants in order to finish it within a 2 hour time frame? Do you work in a Vietnamese sweat shop?
No one wants a dirty diaper in downward dog right in front of them...

Ok, this guy would NEVER use adult diapers. He's the kind of bad-ass that would rather drop a deuce in his new running shorts, than wear some god awful diaper. That's just false advertisement Publix, you  know that.