Saturday, February 12, 2011

“I don't even know what I was thinking. Obviously I wasn't in my right mind.”-S.V.G

Often times people say "Listen to what just happened to me. You're not going to believe this...". Then, after a 20 minute rant about something you're not really sure of because, to be honest you stopped listening after 5 minutes, you realize you were just let down and wasted 20 minutes of your life that you'll never get back.

Well, this is not one of those stories....

What do you do when the Old Orlando Magic Arena (The Amway Center) is preparing to gut, and auction off it's innards? you go take the scenic tour of course! So, that's what I did. We were able to freely troll the arena, and scout out all the cool stuff they were going to auction off. This included touring places most civilians are never allowed to go, i.e, the player's locker room! I was able to stand in the shower where some of my favorite players had washed their sweaty, naked bodies *insert little girl squeal*. We played around in the physical therapy room, and we even saw the coaches old lockers! Most importantly, we went into Stan Van Gundy's old office. His massive chair was sitting there taunting me. It called to me in ways I have never been called to. I knew what I what I HAD to do. I had to sit in it. I think in a way I was hoping I'd feel his power if I did. Well, I felt the power, but it didn't come to me in the way I thought it would. As I went to sit down in the massive cushioned throne, it went out from underneath me and I fell straight to the ground. My loving man tried to help me up, but I fell I needed to absorb this amazing moment. How many people can say they fell in a major head coach's office? Not many people. But, you know who can? This guy right here! Lucky for me, there is photographic proof to back me up on my now most favorite story ever to tell!

I guess it will never be in my cards to be the head coach of an almost championship winning basketball team. Thanks Jesus for letting me down the easy way..well, minus the bruise on my butt..but it's appreciated regardless.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

"There is one dream where in my dream, I'm Spider Man. But I'm losing my powers. I'm climbing a wall but I keep falling."

Times have gotten so hard for Spiderman that he has reduced himself to taking odd jobs for an extra dollar. One day you're saving babies from a burning building, then next thing you know, you've become a table leg making $3.75 an hour just to buy some crack from Magneto behind the dumpster...Who rescues the hero when he needs saving?

"What's that smell??"..."Freedom."

While patrolling the isles of Publix, I noticed something both disturbing, and thought evoking...Adult Diapers. But, it wasn't just the fact that people have to wear over sized Pampers that got my gears turning., it was the marketing that Publix decided to showcase on the packaging. The "scenarios" where you would possibly have to wear one of these absorbent pillows is just ridiculous. I'm pretty sure when the "Higher Powers" that are Publix marketing decided on what the packaging should display, they completely forgot they were trying to sell adult diapers. In my opinion, the images make me think of vitamins, or some kind of supplement. Then again, maybe these magical diapers not only save you from messing your shorts, but make you feel like a spry young lad. Either way, it will not distract you from the fact that your bottom will now be encased in urine, or some other questionable bodily fluid. Good luck hitting those numbers Publix.
So, you have time to stop and take a scenery break, but you don't have time to run behind the tree and pee?

 You're camping! Aren't the woods supposed to be Nature's bathroom?? Now, you have to use your stealthiness to dispose of a dirty diaper like you're hiding a dead body. At least we know why you're camping alone...
I get it, you're in a rush to catch your flight, so instead of walking 2 feet to one of the hundreds of bathrooms located at the airport, you're using your 2 hour delay to relax in your comfy chair while urinating on yourself. What makes for a worse flight, sitting in front of a toddler, or sitting next to a grown man in a dirty diaper?

Ok, 1) at least this is the first correct age bracket they've advertised for. 2) On a golf course, I imagine there aren't many options for releasing your fluids, and at that age, you do what you've got to do. 3) Touche Publix..touche.

No one takes painting that seriously that you can't take a 2 minute break to use the restroom. Seriously.

Is your wooden duck that important that you're willing to defile your own pants in order to finish it within a 2 hour time frame? Do you work in a Vietnamese sweat shop?
No one wants a dirty diaper in downward dog right in front of them...

Ok, this guy would NEVER use adult diapers. He's the kind of bad-ass that would rather drop a deuce in his new running shorts, than wear some god awful diaper. That's just false advertisement Publix, you  know that.